God

I am an atheist, sometimes.
God is a mystery to me. Sometimes I think he/she lives in my head. My subconscious I mean (I don’t suffer from any mental disorders).

For example, Today as I was preparing brunch, I spilled the cranberry juice I bought yesterday for my UTI, right on the floor. How does this mean anything? Well, I was thinking about cleaning my room just as I got up but a shadow of procrastination and a spell of laze took over me and I moved on to the task of feeding myself when this happened. Do you see where I am going with this? My subconscious makes me spill the juice in turn making me clean it all up and the floor with it. As I was cursing my destiny and my hind for not paying enough attention, I realised this might have been my mind’s trick to fool me all along!

Yesterday, I went for a walk and a cigarette to catch the sunset with my old roommate. It’s been about 3 months since I had quit and one counter ciggy with my friend proved that I can do without. So, I finally told her about my concerns with me being pregnant and the UTI spoilage. Ciggy’s make you spill all your secrets; no wonder my ex used to say that it’s a wonderful conversation starter. Anyhow, she kept seeming thrilled and disappointed at points of the conversation. Eventually, we took a trip to the store to buy some cran juice and a pregnancy test. Took the test in the store’s bathroom and drumroll…
I’m not pregnant.
I bought the one with two test sticks, so i’ll be taking another one to be sure in 3 days.
But it looks like it’s all clear for now.
How do I feel about it? The very first time i had a pregnancy scare, I was 22. I was in a steady relationship with a guy i truly loved. When I found out that I wasn’t pregnant then, I was depressed and disappointed for weeks. I never told him. But, a part of me was really happy. This time around, I am not depressed. I am not disappointed either. I just hope it happens when it should.

So maybe there is a god, cause someone heard me over and over.

Readers, I understand my mundane life accounts might not be as interesting to read, but more than your enjoyment, this is for my sanity. So, Thank you for reading!

Love,
I will be back

Purpose

Come on now!
I’m sure you might have thought about this. Why are we here? Part of a bigger plan, a web of intertwined lives where each life affects the other one? Maybe.
We’ve all seen time traveling movies where if one thing changes in the past, it leads to a completely different outcome – a domino effect or butterfly effect.

I have been thinking about that recently. Here’s another thing you should know about me – I am a dreamer. When I say that I don’t mean in a MLK way, I mean it in a procrastinating-day-dreamer way. So, here I am wondering, what would have happened if I could go back in Time to the year 2008, knowing what I know now, relive every moment and enjoy every person as I may have missed out on some experiences due to my mistakes and fears. Ah! believe me I can do it! I can go all the way back and change my whole story.

To go back to that first time I saw my first boyfriend, with all my best girlfriends and that one best guy friend whom I don’t talk to anymore because we hurt each other too much.
To working on myself, my future, you know. I could have gone to a better college and then a better B school. Met different people, maybe better than the ones who hurt me and brought me down.

To make sure my family stayed together and no one makes the mistake which made us all fall apart. To stay away from my next boyfriend, if I would have ever even met him or to tell him everything that I know because somehow, he’s my confidant. He’d be seriously creeped out though. He’d probably have a different future as well. Might not have even made it to grad school without me sitting on his ass.

I wish, I could see a glimpse of it. Even if only in my dreams. I wish I could dream it. My dreams come true you know. They call it deja-vu but it doesn’t feel like it has happened before, because I know that I saw it in my dreams.

Anyhow, If I am to make it to a point in the future where I have access to such tech, I am going to have to survive now.

You’d probably be disgusted with me if I told you but you already know too much now..

My nose is bleeding and there was some blood in my pee, along with pain in the lower back and burning when I pee. You guessed it, I am the lucky winner of a brand new UTI. The health centre is closed for the weekend so i am left to rely on cranberry and lemon juice. It’s going to get worse but it is what it is. And you thought pregnancy was my only worry. Well, the truth of everything will be revealed on Monday so keep stalking. I don’t even understand my body anymore. I do everything to keep it clean. Still shit like this happens.

Girls.. never hold your pee. Never. Lesson learned.

Love,
I will be back

Truth

Wow! You people are actually reading this?

I knew being a marketing major would have it’s perks! I’m a grad student who’s planning to graduate by may 2018. You might as well know.

I’m terrified at the moment. That’s the truth. I feel weird and my breasts feel heavier since a few days now. I think I should take the test. Get it over with.

Should I tell the guy? What should I? What would I even say to him? When it comes to telling people, I think I have bigger worries.

I come from a family where having sex before marriage is looked down upon. Moving away from my home made me realize that I need to maintain contact with my extended family. So over the last year, I have been kinda focused on that.

If this is what I think it is, I’ll have some serious explaining to do.

One of my friends just came back from her short trip home. When I told her what happened, she said she knew that I wanted this. This being the sex and not the hypothetical pregnancy. I guess, that’s another truth, that I didn’t give much thought to.

I don’t have a relationship with this dude. I used to like him but then stopped feeling that way cause he only comes around when he wanted something. But every now and then, he says/does something which makes me feel like just hanging out with him. That could have been the case had I just gone home after the fun date we had.

But that’s not what happened. Why? If you think it was because I was horny, sadly you’re wrong. He hardly ever turns me on to begin with. So, it struck me when my friend said that I wanted this to happen and suddenly I knew why.

A couple of days ago, it was what could have been my 5th year anniversary with my ex. When you spend so much time together, you can bet that your hard drive would be full of pictures and videos of all those moments, specially if you are someone like me who likes to capture every special moment as a memory. So, I created a folder on my  desktop. Named it after him and started to dig through all my devices to act as if the last 5 years just didn’t happen! Like we didn’t go traveling to the mountains and the beaches. Nor did we ever graduate from college together, got our first jobs together, went to grad schools together – no! None of that. Tried to remove him from all the milestones in my life.

But I couldn’t bring myself to press ‘delete’, it’s an end of an era. So, i texted him for his address which I occasionally forget. He didn’t even receive the message cause he was partying at a beach with his friends whom i deeply despise. That made me upset. Too upset. That’s probably why. It was revenge sex.

That was the truth and nothing but the truth my lord.

Love,
I will be back

Rage

“The course of conflict isn’t determined by the person who initiates but by the person who responds.” – Just heard that one by a 12 year old in ‘Mozart in the Jungle’.

So.. should I initiate or just run away from him. I’m so mad! at all these boys.

It’s not just a baby, this guy could have given me a serious illness. Like honestly, what do i know about this man?
He could be sleeping with a new chick every other day. As disgusting as that is, why wouldn’t he cover up? Does he want me to get pregnant? I never even thought that he liked me that much or maybe he hates me that much and just wants me to suffer.

I’m sick of 30 year old man childs and 26/27 year olds wannabe men with egos the size of saturn! I have a poor taste in men. I should be with guys who are the opposite of what i want. Non-funny with a humble nature and no self confidence whatsoever.

I think I am not worthy of the right guy, whenever he decides to show up. I need to know myself better. In a more intimate manner. This writing escapade is turning into a deep soul searching venture by the post. The other day, while getting a brazilian wax, I was checking for leftover hairs and the waxer decided to help me out by providing me with a hand held mirror and I almost fainted. Hey! Don’t judge me! It was for no gross reason but only a result of my novelty. I admit to never have been curious enough to see what’s down there. It could have been a gnome for all i know (Referencing ‘Easy A’).

Anyhow, you’re catching my drift, right?
I need to be intimate with myself before i let anyone in. Isn’t it odd, how comfortable i am in letting other’s in and judge all they want but not being able to let yourself roam about and decipher how your own mind works. I sometimes feel like if I knew myself too much, I probably won’t like me. But then again, I don’t like myself much right now either.

Why does it have to be so complicated?

Sometimes, saying things out loud, makes them real and more tangible. But you all can see that it’s not really easy for me as i would rather type away than say all this aloud to anyone or even myself without freaking out.

Ay! Dios mio!
Porfavor!

I have a habit of running away. Yeah. I always thought it was something but never really knew how terribly ingrained in my soul it was. I run away from people, from myself, from activities and work. I’d like to say that I am a genius who gets bored easily or that i have ADD and I need serious help. That would help define this insane act into reasoning. But, I have no reason as to why i do this. Not yet anyways. My ex told me once, that we try certain places to eat and never go back. Whereas he would like to, but I am on a constant search for new and exciting. That thought just hit me today in the shower. That’s what I do with people and things becoming jack of all trades and a master of none. You know how people try new stuff and then think that they’ll go back to what they like. Well either I didn’t like anything at all or I just want to keep trying everything.

I have a problem. I can’t concentrate. I need help to focus. I’m trying to read this shitty assignment for days now and I still haven’t made it past the first page. That and well, I suck at reading. I keep coming back to pour my thoughts here and I think I should give it an honest try, as I have just figured out that I have issues, I must try and resolve them to the best of my ability. Let’s try – No more running away.

Love,
I will be back

Life

So.. Here’s a thought provoking question..

“If you accidentally get pregnant, what will you do?”

Look at me! Jumping straight into the big ones! Do I know what you people like or what?
You know, ever since i started having sex. There have been a few times that i haven’t been careful. All those times, i have been afraid and have taken measures hastily. Not really important to say that it didn’t turn out very well for me.

The gynecologists were very mean to the point of seeming inhuman; the medicines made me queasy; The guys who did that to me were mostly not there when i needed them and all this stress just caused emotional and physical harm.

So this time, i did nothing. Well nothing yet. I’m worried cause i asked a new mother and she may have mentioned that she didn’t feel any symptoms till the first month. Here’s hoping someone’s pull-out game was as strong as they’d hoped.

But if not.. what then?
What will I do?

I am pro-choice. That means a woman has a right to decide when she wants to be pregnant and do something about it if she doesn’t wish to be.
But as i face this question myself.. I have no clue as to what to say.

I always thought that one should only bring a child in this world when they are fully capable of taking care of it. I am 25, soon to be 26. This would be the age at which my mom had me. But emotionally and financially.. I can’t support it without the help of my family.
Also, the looks/humiliation.. the troubles of bearing it for 9 months and of course hiding it from the father. Because if he knew, he might just make me abort it, even if i didn’t want to.

Or..

Abort the fetus. Family will always be ashamed of me. Not to mention  super disappointed. But no one will know. There will be a risk of never being able to have kids again. A high risk. Anyone who knows me, knows how much kids mean to me and how much i wish to have my own one day. I’ll be upset and slightly depressed for a while, knowing that could have been my first child.

So.. Moment of truth?

I don’t have one. I can be brave or I can be a coward. I can set examples or follow the fact that what others say doesn’t matter. But i am at a stage in life where either of the options don’t seem wrong to me. So how can I decide? How!!

Flip a coin? Use a condom next time. What on earth was I thinking? I did ask him to cover up but he said you should have said that last night. We only had sex that morning. He’s a fool. I should have made him cover up. I’m a fool too.
But it’ll only be me who ends up paying for this.

Too late now. Pray to god that you aren’t pregnant. Hope is the only thing you have for now. Pray for that period to be right on time. Try not to get too stressed and scare it away.

Guess that’s a choice I’ll make when i reach that point.

Love,
I will be back

Birth

So here we go, I am born!

Nah..! it’s 25 years too late. That’s right. That’s the first thing you should know.
I am 25 and Sumedha is my name. But i prefer Sam, cause hopefully then you can’t butcher the beloved name given to me by my parents that was decided upon due to it including their initials.

Weird right? Just giving all of this information away. Just like that. Afterall that is half the appeal of certain things, like ‘Doctor Who’ – where the main mystery is the name of the protagonist.

Well the fact is that i need you to know me. I do. More than anything, this blog has been created to represent a virtual list of all my wishes. Seems odd, doesn’t it? No, i am not dying of a serious illness nor do i have people after my life. Also, for the creative ones – i can not predict the future or my death. Although sometimes i like to believe i can.
I have been keeping a journal  since 2004. Not very sincerely though. Note to self and to anyone who listens: Never buy a journal which is originally a planner. Waste of paper for the perfectionist and  OCD sufferers.

Everyone at one point or another must think about these serious life decisions. About that question which every interview pertains and every interviewee would like to refrain from.

“Tell me about yourself..”

I thought about the perfect response once. But me being who I am – Forgot soon enough.
Do you see why i need to keep a record?

I have notes typed in/ scribbled on everything i can find.
That’s just how i function.
But then, who am I? What do i prefer and in a time of crisis what or who would i turn towards? I need to figure these things out and make sure everyone knows that too.
When i need to make a decision and i am not present, someone needs to think: WWSD?

And then remember.. oh we know!..It’s in the stupid blog! (Excuse my language kids).

So here’s the first wish..
I want to be buried and have a tree planted over me.
It doesn’t matter what country, what island or what plane I am on. Don’t worry about transporting my dead body or who all will attend the funeral.
Just bury me in the nature and make sure a tree sprouts out of my grave with it’s roots right besides my limbs.

Remember. Always.
I wish to give back to nature. In my whole life, If i never plant a tree or save one. This is what my true payment shall be.

Love,
I will be back